Oh. Well...

...Shit.

I finally made the appointment at an ALS clinic. October 31st, 2018. One of my most favorite holidays. (See more about that in the positive section. This is not the space for that). My mom and my husband came with me to the appointment. "28 is too young" we would tell each other. "But there's no harm in checking." HA!

When the nurse finally called me back, I asked my mom and my husband to hang back in the waiting room - deep down I knew what was going on. I needed to process it before I could worry about them. But at that moment it was just a feeling, a what-if, maybe a defense.

As I walked through the door leading to the nurse's station, that feeling was no longer "just a feeling." It was reality. Standing on the other side of the nurse's station was a group of about 6 medical professionals planning their strategy for giving a young girl the worst news possible. That's when it all hit me. "Hmm, your blood pressure is over 180. Are you feeling okay?" asked the nurse. NO I WAS NOT FUCKING OKAY. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit of anxiety."I replied politely. The nurse did not deserve to be cussed at. The chaos inside was real, but it was mine. She didn't have to suffer because of it. I calmed myself a little so she would be satisfied with the second reading. I just wanted to get this shit over with...

Dr. S and his fellow, Pooja came into the room to do the exam. I had met Dr. S. before so I was comfortable with him, but I instantly liked Pooja. We connected over the joy of wearing mismatched socks. She was sweet and I could tell she actually cared. I wanted to be shitty and angry. But they didn't deserve that either. So I decided for them, and a little bit for myself, to just relax and go along for the ride.

About an hour later and after talking to all team members (who flawlessly executed their plan). I was told "Victoria, I am afraid this is ALS..." Dr. S said other stuff but all I could hear was my brain yelling "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me, fuck this, what the fuck". Somehow, I managed to ask for the doctor to get my mom and my husband. Their reaction was the most painful thing I've ever had to witness. We hugged each other and promised to stick together and work through this as a family. It was a beautiful moment. Shitty, but beautiful none the less.

That's the diagnosis story. Don't worry. It gets much better from here.