Shame

Ya know, I’ve always been pretty confident in myself. I follow my gut and 9/10 times it steers me in the right direction. Sure, sometimes I make poor decisions and have to apologize for them later but shame is not a feeling that tends to attach itself to those times.

Shame is very new and odd to me. My therapist (yes I go to therapy- I believe everyone should) was the one who put the name to the feeling. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so awful for making decisions I knew we’re right. Without her I wouldn't be able to work through the following...

It began when I decided to stop working for good. I knew in my gut that it was the right decision. My kids deserve a healthy teacher they can rely on to show up consistently. I can‘t give that to them. It’s really annoying. Here I am- an emotionally stable, ready, passionate, and fun teacher who can’t do my job because my legs get tired. It feels so fucking stupid. It feels like a bullshit excuse honestly. I don’t feel sick- I never have since my diagnosis. It feels so wrong to say “My legs are too wobbly to work” and have it be a viable excuse. So... here comes the shame.

I’m proud of myself for making these decisions despite how foolish, humiliating, and down right insane they make me feel. Therapy taught me that fighting through those emotions shows my strength (see, you learn some good shit in therapy). However, it’s real and I have to deal with it. Damn it.